JEAN PHILIP DE TENDER

Death is something we don’t talk about, but there is no life without death.

We don’t plan our death. It’s something that happens. We contemplate on the why and the what but never on the how. Some people however must discuss the how and even plan for it.

I realised that when I read Amy Bloom’s memoir “In Love”. She commemorates her relationship with her Brian and how Alzheimer changed their equation. Realising that Brian can still be present as a being but absent as a human being in control of himself and his memory was devasting for them. It was not the future Brian envisaged and considering ‘options’ ending his life was for him, for her supporting and loving him, the only option.

And then suddenly you are on a plane – business class for this ‘occasion’ – to Zurich to terminate his life. A return ticket for her; one way for him. How do you ‘manage’ this?

Apologies, I have to put many words in brackets because they don’t fit our standard thinking.

I want to kill my husband, and I kept on crying. He said, You want to kill him because you love him, and I said, You are so right.

This book is a devastating description of the trip to Switzerland, the ‘events’ in Zurich, and what ultimately led to choosing this option. Switzerland with alternatives offered by Dignitas may be an ‘easy’ solution, but it’s much more than filling in a form. 

I sit, holding his hand, for a long time. I get up and wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead, as if he is my baby, at last gone to sleep, as if he is my brave boy going on a long journey, miles an miles of Nought.

I’m not afraid of growing old. Maturing and experiencing the benefits of age, at any age, brings so much experience or mileage. But I’m scared of dementia, of losing my presence or part of it. Of myself fading away or seeing my loved ones moving in that stage. We all grow much older, and maintaining a quality of life is essential, whether physical or mental. The medical world is stretching boundaries, but where does it end?

“In Love. A Memoir of Love and Loss”, Amy Bloom, Random House, New York, 2022.