JEAN PHILIP DE TENDER

coaching yourself

I’m sometimes approached by people who consider coaching or want advice about their professional careers. They contact me because they have visited my professional page or connected to “the JP” they have discovered on social media.

Recently, I received such a lovely email from someone working in public service media. Although we had never met, he bonded with my thinking & being and offered me a coffee to get to know each other. I couldn’t refuse such a kind invitation, and we had that coffee, a virtual one at first. As he had to pass through Geneva on his way back from a retreat in the Jura mountains, we had a real coffee at the EBU offices afterwards.  As a member of the organisation, he was more than welcome to visit the Permanent Services.

That hot drink turned into a mentoring relationship. I offered, “Put whatever you want on the table, and we can discuss it.” As always, I promised to keep the conversations confidential, which is at the heart of coaching and mentoring.

I don’t prepare for such meetings, but today I realise I always return to the same questions. I probably ask them myself time after time. I’m happy to share them with you. A human-sounding board that offers reflection is excellent, but self-reflection is not a bad start.

I often get asked: “Do you think I need to change jobs?” “My line manager and, by extension, the entire organisation is such a bore.” “I’m not inspired.” “I feel I cannot make a career here.” They must sound familiar to you as well. I have pondered all these questions myself.

Disclaimer: I don’t have an answer to this. Don’t expect ME to solve YOUR significant considerations. But I have developed a framework for myself to move things forward. 

Now and then, I take a pen – or even better, a mindmap – and I start scribbling:

• What are my values? What is the soil for me to choose my lover, my friends, the organisation I want to work for, …? Over the years, that hasn’t changed a lot for me, because with successes and failures, I learned what I really (want to) stand for. I have left some so-called friends behind because the gap between our values was too big. And it’s fine that sometimes ways part between friends. I have ultimately quit a job because of a toxic boss. I must admit I could afford to quit that job.

• Where do I picture myself in five to ten years from now? What is the ambition? How do you picture your life in five years from now? Is it your ambition to be at the same company, perhaps in a different role? Or do you prefer faster shifts of roles and/or organisations? Wow, that’s a tricky question, and I don’t expect you to nail it. However, the question is more of an invitation to think about the road ahead than an actual answer.

• What makes you happy at work? Where do you get the energy from? Is it the colleagues or your boss,  the money, the project you are currently working on, the institute’s prestige, …? You name it! As a media executive, my targets were always clear: audience reach and satisfaction. I often hit those targets, but that did not necessarily make me happy. I get satisfaction from a team functioning well, from someone telling me I inspired them, from two people with opposite views growing closer to one another, …

• How does my private life sync with my professional life? Work, a relationship, love, family, friends, … are all key pillars that keep us going. Often we tend to (over)focus on one of them and lose the holistic view. All of them have to be in balance. Let’s be honest, in the end, you are born alone and you will die alone. You are the centre of your life and need to take ownership. Forget about what others have to say or think. Some building blocks can have a considerable impact on your wellness. Cherish both your professional and private life. There may be much maintenance on both pillars. Ask yourself: Are you in balance? 

• How important is money? Is it a goal in itself, or does it support the rent? I never picked a job because of the money, but I expected to be paid correctly and benchmarked to my peers.

• Who are my sounding boards? At the office or in my private network? It’s lonely out there. And the more responsibility you get, the lonelier you will be. So you need people with whom you can share everything. Find people you can check in with outside of your professional network. Maybe you will find a confidante at work. 

• Finally, how do all these questions resonate with me? What’s going on in my mind right now?

That’s probably a lot to process, and it is. It is a process. I love to mind map, especially anything that is complex. It allows you to filet whatever lies in front of you. 

How much of this is theory? How much of what I teach and preach do I practice? All of it!

I recently turned 60, which confronted me with the fact that at 65/67—pending where I have my base—I will have to retire. I fully understand that some anticipate that date with joy. For me, it’s pure horror. I cannot just sit back when I reach that age. Luckily, although I may have to officially retire then, there are plenty of options to continue. I’m exploring them, and my designed set of questions is handy. 

My values haven’t changed over the years. On the contrary, they have become purer and simpler. My ambition is to give back to society, as it has given me so much. I want to spend more time with people who are dear to me. I will be rooted in more than one place: Brussels, Geneva, Paris, … are ‘docking stations’, but there are so many other places where I feel at home. Give me a good hotel and I will fit in. I don’t have to worry about money: I will have a decent pension and some savings. I will continue to care for myself mentally (reading) and physically (doing sports and keeping moving). I’ll care for my mentors and sounding boards, who have shaped me into who I am. Some of them are over 80, and I will treat them with care and love the same way I hope my younger friends will treat me at that age. I will continue to travel the world, explore new restaurants, discover new art, revisit the past and challenge the status quo. But most of all, I will continue to work, hopefully till I drop dead. 

I revisit my mind map from time to time and adjust. Sometimes, I disclose it to some of my coachees and mentees to urge them to nurture theirs.

Finally, how do I feel right now writing this? Grateful and mindful is what comes to mind. Blogging (publicly) and journaling (privately) proved my best shrink. Allow me to thank you as a confident reader. Some people comment on my postings, others remain silent or invisible, but somewhere you are there.